At the Doctor's...

-A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. -The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." -Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." -Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" -"Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

3 WAYS TO FAKE INSANITY & RECEIVE DISABILITY PAY: Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

4 MORE " YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF "……… >You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. >You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. >You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. >Anyone in your family ever died right after saying," Hey y'all watch this!"

A blonde calls up the fire department to report a fire at her house. The person on the other end say's 'stay calm ma'am. Now how do we get there?" The blonde replies, 'Duhh! BIG RED TRUCK!"

5 words that don't exist, but should:
AQUADEXTROUS ( ak wa deks' trus ) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
DISCONFECT ( dis kon fekt' ) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
LACTOMANGULATION ( lak' to man gyu lay shun ) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a mil k container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
PHONESIA ( fo nee' zhuh ) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and for getting whom you were just calling just as they answer.
TELECRASTINATION ( tel e kras tin ay' shun ) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only 6 inches away.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and stagers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely-but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk burst in through the BACK door of the same bar. He plops himself up on the bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, lice will be called immediately . The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries " MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

Yo Mama is so Fat... When she was diagnosed with the flesh
eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Her ass has its own
congressman. (heard at Big Daddys)

Heard at: Ol Tyme Country Saloon
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER IF:
You request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
She actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
You are backstage at the Springer show.
She yells out her own name during sex.
Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

Heard at: Big Mike's Beach Pub
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the old
man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar,
which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even
called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and
her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked
your NEIGHBOUR???" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what
we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!!"