Heard at: Murphy's On Main
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees
the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes
you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf
jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched
behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", says
Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what
big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… "Will you f**k
off, I'm trying to take a shit!

Heard at: Mixed Nuts
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Heard at: Pandoras Box
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Heard at: Waynos
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Rex! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Nurse, we'll need a toe-tag.
If this is his spleen, then what's that?
Oops, has anyone ever survived 500mg?
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off..
This patient has already had children, am I correct?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
Accept this sacrifice, lord of darkness.

VERY SHORT BOOKS
Houston Oilers - The GOOD Years
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Book
OJ's Search For The Real Killers

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a
bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the
salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She
hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told
the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't
sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she
thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and
new color, new outfit, big sunglasses. She again approached the
salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to
blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know
I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on
the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, " Jesus is
watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for
valuables. He again heard, " Jesus is watching you." This time,
he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He
asked, " Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that he had. "
I'm just trying to warn you, is all." The burglar said, "warn
me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?
"Moses"
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, " I don't know; I guess the same kind that
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'".

A 92-year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the
doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said, doctor, 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful!"

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving
birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "
Puta ! Puta ! Puta ! At this the grandmother started to cry and
the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should
have been saying was " Puja ! " ( push ! ) Instead he was
saying " Whore! Whore! Whore!"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind
direction and speed...driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking
so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
" Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball chance in hell of
hitting her from here."

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young
teller, "I want to open a f**king checking account". "Please
sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in
here." "Why the F**k not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I
must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a sh*t
what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a f**king
checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns with
her manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the
gentleman. "Hell yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million
dollars in the lottery and want to open a motherf**king checking
account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid,
f**king, bitch is giving you a hard time?"

BIG MONEY
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are
you going?" he asked. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are
men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!" The
man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing
HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she
screamed. "Going to Las Vegas. I want to see how you live on
$800 a year!"

LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny's parents won the lottery, so they bought a place
out in the country. Unfortunately, it was right next to a
prison. Johnny's dad told him not to talk to the prisoners
through the fence, but sure enough, his momma saw him out there
talking to them. She called him inside and asked: "What were you
talking to them about?". Johnny answered, "About how they are
homesick and really didn't do anything to get locked up for."
Johnny's mom gave him a mean look and said: "Well, your daddy
said not to talk to them. When he gets home, I'm going to have
to tell him." Johnny narrowed his eyes and told her: "Listen up
bitch, you snitch me out and I'm gonna put a shank in your ass!"