HEARD AT SEADUST:
A cajun died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the
great gate, he noticed that the terrain was swampy and covered
with scrubby looking pine trees. He remarked to the gate
keeper, "Hello dere Saint Peter. Say, dis place looks just like
Loozyanner." "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not
Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at
all, do you ?"

HEARD AT EROS 1207:
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her dad is working,
and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down,
and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her
about conception, intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her
about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......
thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The
girl is somewhat shocked at this new knowledge, and her father
asks, "So why did you ask about sex?" "Oh, mommy said lunch
would be ready in a couple of secs..."

HEARD AT STRAND ST SALOON:
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get
out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been
drinking?" The man gets really pissed and says, "Officer, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been
eating doughnuts?"

HEARD AT PELICANS SPORTS BAR:
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they
suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them. "Oh! That
doesn't sound good," one says to the other. As soon as the words
were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and
said, "Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick."

HEARD AT NOAHS ARK:
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up
a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No
one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck?
What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks
if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next
she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up
his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has
stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very
good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of
a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big
antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still
no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something
your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "Hey, I know
what it is, it's a horny bastard."

HEARD AT BOB'S ICE HOUSE:
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million
typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of
Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not
true.

HEARD AT SMOKIN MUSIC & GEAR:
2 Italian guys are talking on the bus when a young lady gets on
board. One is saying: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses,
dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." The
lady is shocked. "You foul-mouthed swine," she said
indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives
in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just
tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

A man was driving with his wife when he was stopped by a cop.
The cop says, "you were going 60 in a 30 mph zone." The guy
says, "no, I wasn't." The wife turns to him and says, "yes, you
were." The man says, "shut the hell up?" Then the cop says, "you
also didn't have your seat belt on." Naturally the guy says, "I
had it on." Again the woman says, "no you didn't.." The man turn
around and says to the woman, "I told you to shut the f**k up
(violently)." Then the cop bends down and says to the
woman, "excuse me ma'am but is this your husband?" The woman
says, "yes." "Is he always this mean and rude with you?" The
woman says, "No, no officer only when he is DRUNK." - heard at
Gregs Sport Page