PICK-UP LINES THAT SOMETIMES WORK:
Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
You know, I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
Are you wearing windex? I swear I can see myself in your pants.
Hey baby, what winks and f**ks like a tiger ?
Well, screw me if I'm wrong but is your name Martha?
(Lick your finger and touch the person, touch yourself and say) let's get out of these wet clothes.
That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg Easter, could I spend some time between the holidays?
Do you know the difference between sex and conversation? (No.) We need to have a talk!
Let me guess your sign: Dangerous curves ahead? Yield? Slippery when wet?

I was dating a girl who played the tuba, but then she blew me off…..

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S "What's that?", the patient asks. "It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphilis." The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pizza." "Why only pizza?", asks the patient. The Doctor answers, "It's the only thing that will fit under the door."

A man goes to a tattoo artist and says: "I'd like you to tattoo a $100 bill on my dick." The tattoo artist is surprised: "Well, that could hurt! Why would you want a 100 dollar bill there?" The man answers, "Three reasons: 1. I like to watch my money grow, 2. I like to play with my money, and 3. next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks she won't have to leave the house!"

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the
difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, It could be best to show you by
example. Go upstairs and ask your mom if she'd have sex with the
mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom,
would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother
replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell
yes!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older
sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The
boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for
$500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes!'" The father
answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're
millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of
whores."

HEARD AT Shooters:
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in
place of his regular teacher. She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs.
Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after
the first letter" The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy" A
few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johnny
gets there the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard
and the says "I Remember it has an "R" after the first
letter". "That's right" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds of
intense concentration, Little Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

HEARD AT Gregs Sport Page:
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm
afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're
dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

HEARD AT Islander Sports Bar:
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....
* Taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* Named your cats "Cream" & "Sugar."
* Have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

HEARD AT Studio 13&a half:
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED A NEW LAWYER
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

HEARD AT The Tree House:
These two blonde chicks were walking along the beach. They had
never been to a beach before and the were in absolute awe of the
seagulls. They were looking up when one in flight dropped his
load right on one blonde's head. "Oh God," said the other. "I'll
run back to the car and get some toilet paper!"
"Don't bother," said the splattered one, "he'll be gone by the
time you get back!"

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant
display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my
husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No,"
replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms." (heard at
SPLASH)

A little boy and his truck driving dad were in line at the
grocery store behind a very large man. The man's pager went off,
the little boy said : "WATCH OUT DAD HE'S BACKING UP !" (Heard
at Smokin Music & Gear)

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to
remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
(heard at the Strand Street Saloon)

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is….

Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't
exist.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Louisiana? They couldn't find 3 wise
men and a virgin. (heard at Shooters)

PONDER THIS: What should you do when you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?
(heard at TC Suds)

A young woman went to confession and told the priest that she
let her boyfriend tie her up, spank her and have sex with her.
The priest told her to squeeze the juice of three lemons and
drink it. She asked if that would absolve her of her sins. The
priest replied no, but it will wipe that smile off your face.

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Anyway, did you here about the girl who had tits on her back?? -
She was pretty gruesome to look at but she was a lot of fun to dance with.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs ? So they wouldn't
hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

A little Indian boy walked up to the Chief of the tribe and
asked, "How did we get our names?" The old Indian Chief
replied, "That very simple." "When child is born, Chief come out
of tee-pee and look across prarie. What ever Chief see, child
named." "If chief look out and see running deer, then child
named Running Deer." "If Chief look across prarie and see
swooping hawk, then child named Swooping Hawk." "But tell me Two
Dogs Fucking, why you ask?"