The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old
students. Taking him aside after class one day, she
asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor
lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to
smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But
Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's
true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't
want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said
reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

HEARD AT SPLASH:
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last
bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she
said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers
eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that
bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor
held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of
course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

CRUISING IN HEAVEN
Three guys died in a car accident. When they got to the pearly
gates, Saint Peter assigned them each a vehicle.
To the first guy, he says "Joe, you've been horrible. You
cheated on your wife 10 times! Your car will be an old, beat up
Pinto that eats gas like crazy and never starts right."
To the second guy, he says "Bill, you have been an alright guy.
you only cheated on your wife once. You get a 3 year old Honda
with 20,000 miles on it."
To the last guy, he says "Jim, you have been a model example!
You have never cheated on your wife or had premarital sex. You
can drive around in a brand new, shiny Mercedes in your favorite
color."
So the three guys are driving around heaven, and all of a
sudden, Jim starts crying. His friends gather around him.
Joe says "Dude! what's wrong?"
Bill says "Yeah, man! you've got a great car to drive for all
eternity!"
And Jim says "I just saw my wife go by, on a skateboard!!!"

HER T-SHIRT SAID:
B_TCH
Would you like to buy a vowel??

DIPLOMACY
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager. The boy walked into the back
room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this
he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The
manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in
a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy
replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave
Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the
manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No
shit! What team did she play for?"

THE WINNER IS….
A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it.
He asks the bartender "What's with the money?" the bartender
replies "we're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in
the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get
all the money in the jar" "ah what the hell. lets give it a
try." says the man, and puts the five dollars in the
jar. "first" says the bartender, "you have to drink a large
glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a
vicious pit bull outside with a sore tooth. you have to pull out
the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has
never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her.
ok?" "fine" says the man. the bartender gives him the glass of
tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face.
Now drunk, he goes outside. the bartender hears lots of yelling
and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he
asks "Ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?"

NEIGHBORLY
Kid walks in on his parents having sex.
He says, "What are you doing?"
His mother says, "Well I was just letting the air out of your
father...he's too fat!"
The kid says, "Why the lady next door is just going to blow him
up again!"

Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Bob's Ice House)

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal
lobotomy. … (heard at Big Daddy's)

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit
bull ? A: Lipstick. (heard at The Blue Dolphin)

Husband : "Want to get a little more . . comfortable?"
Wife: "hey, not tonight, cause I've got an appointment tomorrow
with my gyno and I want to be 'fresh,' okay?"
Husband: "Okay, I understand. Uh, when's your next dentist
appointment?" (thanx to Rock Neutneys) Q:

Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip,
you can bite their heads off. (Heard at Jackies)

BARTENDER: I think you've had enough, sir.
DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy!
BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife....
DRUNK: It wasn't easy! (heard at Murphys On Main)