Consider this: Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either. (Heard at Waynos)

A cowboy is captured by Indians. They put him on trial and he is
found guilty.
"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is
our custom, you have three wishes."
The cowboy said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something to the horse, and the horse took
off like a shot. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a
beautiful blonde. The cowboy shrugged his shoulders, and helped
the young lady off the horse, then took her into the woods and
had his way with her.
"Second wish," said the Chief.
"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy. "Give him his
horse," said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into
the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off. Thirty
minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on
its back.
The cowboy shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and
went into the woods, same reason as before.
"This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."
"I'll need my horse again."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his
face right up to the horse's. "Listen: P-O-S-S-E!"

HEARD AT Precision Tint:
A man comes home very excited.
"I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!"
"We going on vacation?" asks the wife
"No just get out of here!"

HEARD AT BIG MIKE'S:
This couple had an excellent relationship going until one day he
came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her
why she was leaving him and she told him that she had heard
awful things about him. "What could they possibly have said to
make you move out?" "They told me that you were a pedophile."
He replied, "That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old!"

HEARD AT BIG DADDYS:
A teacher is explaining to her class how different languages use
negatives differently. She says, "In all languages, a positive
and a negative together makes a negative. In some languages, two
negatives together make a positive, while in others they make a
negative. But in no language do two positives make a negative."
One of the students puts up his hand and says, "Yeah, right."

HEARD AT BOB'S ICE HOUSE:
An Asian man goes into a Bank to exchange 10,000 yen for
American Currency. The teller gives him $72.00. The next month
the Asian man goes into the same bank with 10,000 yen and
receives $62.00. He asks, "How come? Only $62.00?" The teller
says "Fluctuations."
The Asian man looks back at the teller and says "Fluk you
Amelicans too!"

HEARD AT SHOOTERS:
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little
Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar, with
loud rap music booming in the background. The salesman
says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his
ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"

HEARD AT STRAND ST. SALOON:
An man of 70 married a girl of 18. When they got in bed on the
wedding night, he held up three fingers. "Oh", said the young
bride, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No",
said the old geezer, "It means you can take your pick."

Actual answer given on driving exam: Q: When driving through
fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a
bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer
and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came
in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I
found them in the hall." "Now," she said, "if only I could find
my hamster."