DUMBASS CLERK AWARD: Houston business consultant Ralph Poole
worked for 9 years on a book about the natural gas industry. He
took the 400-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 80,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder. Lawsuit? Oh HELL yeah.

HEARD AT ISLANDER SPORTS BAR:
An old farmer is sitting in a bar with a younger man and
says, "Look out that window. You see that stone wall there, I
built it with my own hands, placed every stone myself. But do
they call me Murphy the wall builder? No!" He Takes a few sips
of his beer then says, "And look out on that bayou, see that
long pier? I built it myself, laid every board and hammered each
nail but do they call me Murphy the pier builder? No!" He
continues..."And look, you see that house? That too I built with
my own hands, but do they call Murphy the road builder? No!"
Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says, "Agh,
but you screw one sheep..."

HEARD AT THE SEADUST:
One day Billy burst in and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great
news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in
town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan." After
dinner, Billy's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with
you. Your mother's a wonderful wife but she has never offered
much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around a lot.
Susan is actually your half-sister - I'm afraid you can't marry
her." Billy was heart-broken. After a few months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and
announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, Billy. I'm
awfully sorry about this." Billy was furious! He finally
decided to go to his mom with the news. "Dad has done so much
harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is
my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any
attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

HEARD AT JACKIES:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another
said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems
many thousands of electrical connections." The last
said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

HEARD AT OL TYME SALOON:
Q: What is the Australian word for a boomerang that won't come
back?
A: A stick

Two boys are playing football at a local park when one is
attacked by a Doberman. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off
a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and
twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter driving by sees the
incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Astros Fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts
writing in his notebook.
"I'm not an Astros fan," the boy replies.
"Oh ok. Texans fan rescues friend from horrific attack,"
the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Texans fan either," the
boy says. "What are you?" the reporter says. "I'm a Red Sox fan!!!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes, "Yankee kills family pet."

IN LINE AT THE BANK
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy
suddenly started massaging the back of the guy in front of him.
Surprised, the man turned and snarled, "What the hell you are
doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could
see you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I
can't help practicing my art!"
"That's stupid!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you
see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1 Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2 Their mothers told them not with there mouths full.

Q: What do a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
A: You can pick them up, throw them in the gutter and they still come back to you

Q: Why did it take the blonde three tries to get pregnant?
A: She blew the first two

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymph whose dad owns a bar.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.