Things Never To Say During Sex
? you've got to be kidding me.
? do I have to pay for this?
? (phone rings) hello - oh not much, how about you?
? hurry up, the game's about to start.
? what's your name again?
? stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
? what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
? is it o.k. if I call someone? its o.k. though, keep going.…
? How come we each have a penis?
? just use your finger, its bigger.
? get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
? I think I just shit on your bed.

A Penguin
A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give
him all kinds of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out
of his hood and there's fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls
into a garage and the mechanic tells him it'll be at least a
half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is.
The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes
across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone,
getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and
asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and tells him "Well… it looks to me like
you've blown a seal."
The penguin says "No! Really, I just had an ice cream cone!"

The Sex Life of an Electron
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided
to get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up
Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode
across the Rectifier Bridge, around the sine wave, and into a
magnetic field next to a flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve,
soon had her field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He
laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered
her resistance, stripped her insulation off, then pulled out his
high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to
short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho. Give me Mho!"
"Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro. With his tube at maximum
output and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon
reached maximum heat.
The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's
capacitance was rapidly discharging, ... draining off every
electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and
sockets until Micro's bar magnet had lost all of it's field
strength.
Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her
multivibrator. But it didn't phasor. With his battery fully
discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his transformer. So
they ended up by reversing polarity, and blowing each other's
fuses.

Raggedy Ann
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and
moaning, "Lie to me!"

The Hit Man
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday.
Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a
guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends
looked at each other and then looked at the man and said "sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got
curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked
him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends
kind of laughed. The man said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun
is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a
look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He
opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a
huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I
bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger
said "sure."
So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can
even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife,
naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor!
He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how
much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000
every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well,
ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the
mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second,
I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for
screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up
and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes.
Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what
he is waiting for. The hitman replies "Just hold on now... I'm
about to save you a thousand bucks ."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. "How much do I
owe you?" the neutron asks. The bartender replies, "for you, no
charge."

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom. The
pharmacist says "Would you like me to stick that on your bill?"
The duck says: "What kind of duck do you think I am!"