Kiss my ass:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

In touch…
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Sex education:
A man and his son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad, confused, asks him "before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex." So the dad says to him "Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with soft pink petals?" "Yeah" says the son. "Well what about after sex?" he says to his dad. His dad replies "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Ouch.
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Final message
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read aloud, "Move your foot you stupid asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Fairy tale:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.

Set her back out there.
One Cajun is working on his boat. Two other Cajuns came up and said, "Boudreau! We got some good news an' some bad news fo' you."
Beadreaux said, "Oh shit! Giv me dat bad news first."
"We just come down from da bayou. Yo wife she floatin' face down in it - she musta drown cause she sho is dead!"
Beadreaux said, "No! No! Oh man… dat terribile news. Wat da good news?"
"When we fine her, she had bout fifteen of dem big blue crabs on her! We gonna run her again in the mornin'!"

A man traveling through Texas decides to stop at a bar and grill
He's heard how large the food portions are and sits down and orders a beer and a steak.
The waiter brings him a large pitcher of beer.
MAN: "Boy, this is pretty big. I just wanted a regular size beer."
WAITER: "That IS a regular size beer"
He was then delivered his steak, on a platter.
MAN: "Hey, I only ordered a regular size steak"
WAITER: "That IS our regular size steak"
Soon, the man had to use the facilities. He was directed to the last door down the hall.
He mistakenly opened the door to the swimming pool and fell in.
As he surfaced, knowing the reputation for everything being bigger in Texas, he yelled, "DON'T FLUSH"!!!

How do I prepare a chicken for a nice dinner?
Well, in a polite but straightforward way, I let him know that he is not going to survive it.

One day Jim was tired of his wife's cat clawing up the furniture so he told his wife he was going to get rid of the cat in the morning and she said whatever.
So in the morning he put the cat in the car and went way the heck down to the Texas City Dike, put the cat outside the car and took off. When he got back to San Leon the cat was sitting in the driveway. Upset, he said in the morning he will be going for a ride again to get rid of the cat. So in the morning he takes the cat out FM 2004 past Santa Fe damn near to Angleton, and puts the cat on the side of the road and leaves the cat there. When Jim got home the cat was in the driveway!
The next day Jim took the cat across the Bolivar Ferry and up past Port Arthur driving around all up in East Texas about 200 miles. Then he puts the cat on the side of the road. He sits in his car for an hour. He then calls his wife and says honey, look outside and tell me if you see anything in the driveway? She says yes I see the cat!
Jim says "Could you put the cat on the phone, I think I'm lost!"

More than anything, Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the dude and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing Dennis is a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see", said Dennis, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined
the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.
"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "Oh, I don't think that you understand. I was going to use it on my schnauzer."
"Oh…" said the druggist, somewhat embarrassed. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."