You might want to get a new lawyer if:
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. Or if the prosecutors are all "hi-fiving' each other when they see who represents you.

Dear Abby:
I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army and I have a second cousin who works for the Seabreeze newspaper. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle, who is a pickpocket, and my aunt and my two sisters, who are street hookers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sixteen and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from the Juvy.
But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on her, once she has a chance to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby: Should I come clean? Should I let her know about my second cousin who works for the Seabreeze?

Jimmy Neutron:
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks. The bartender replies, "for you, no charge."

Yo Mama:
Yo Mama so fat she wore a blue and green sweater, everyone thought she was Planet Earth
When you get on an elevator with her, you're going down!
She gets in the bathtub and it only takes a teaspoon of water to fill it up.
She irons her clothes on the driveway.
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo Mama is so fat, that her nickname is ''DAMN''
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows.
Yo mama so fat we're inside of her right now.
Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.
Yo Mama is so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license.

Things Never To Say During Sex:
> you've got to be kidding me.
> do I have to pay for this?
> (phone rings) hello - oh not much, how about you?
> hurry up, the game's about to start.
> what's your name again?
> stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
> what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
> is it o.k. if I call someone? its o.k. though, keep going.…
> How come we each have a penis?
> Well, at least this shouldn't take very long.
> I've smoked joints fatter than that!
> just use your finger, its bigger.
> get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
> I never saw one like that before.
> I guess this makes me the early bird.
> Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
> Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes
> I think I just shit on your bed.

Selling doors, door-to-door:
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar, with loud rap music booming in the background. The salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?

Life's a Bitch:
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

Famous last words:
What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the
Teamsters union before he left? "Y'all don't do anything 'till I get back."

One day in the woods:
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"

Politically incorrect:
What would you call a Cuban Polack?
Ricky Retardo