Barbie's friends:
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Home field advantage:
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. This goes on and on with both arguing about who would field the best team.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "we've got all the officials!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Blond heist:
Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendency to be smarter than the second.
They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.
The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?"
"Yes!" replied the second blonde.
So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.
Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.
Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.
"You idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Story of a Gold Medal:
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Law enforcement:
The HPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it - including the rabbit - and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."
The HPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, I confess, I'm a rabbit."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A nice bartender:
A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of her customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The bargirl replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two guys were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get the shit slapped out of him!"
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yo Mama:
Yo Momma so fat when she goes to the beach, whales come out and sing "we are family".

======================
How to tell if someone works for the government:

* They see nothing wrong with attending a meeting on a subject they know nothing about
* They feel they contributed to the meeting just by being there
* They fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
* They work for an acronym, on an acronym, or in and acronym, and/or their job title contains an acronym
* They know and use acronyms composed of acronyms
* They've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But… if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.


Things you'll seldom hear a Cajun say:

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
"Duct tape won't fix that."
"Come to think of it, I'll have an aperitif and some hors'deurves."
"We don't keep firearms in this house."
"Anyone seen the sideburns trimmer?"
"You can't feed that to the dog."
"No kids in back of the pickup, it's just not safe."
"Wrasslin's fake."
"Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
"Who's Dog the bounty hunter?"
"Too many deer heads on the wall detracts from the decor."
"I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen."
"She's too young to wear a bikini."
"Checkmate."


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.