Big Words:
A teacher stood up in front of the class and told them, "today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody know any multi-syllable words?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and when called on he says "mas-tur-ba-tion". The teacher replies "wow that's quite a mouth full". Johnny says "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Character actor:
Q: Why did the former porn star get fired from his job as a gas station attendant ?
A: Right before the tank was full, he would pull the nozzle out and spray gas all over the car.

Elevator etiquette:
This guy is in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please". A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Word play:
My name is Sgt. Friday and I work on Tuesday.
Tuesday is my secretary. One night we went to a party. On our way there, we got a flat tire. I jacked she pumped , I jacked she pumped ; then she got out of the car and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, we all felt merry. Mary got mad and left. We all jumped for joy. Joy got mad and left too. Then a lady jumped out of the cake. We all had a piece. The cake wasn't half bad either. Then I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt, she felt, I felt , she felt; Then I looked under the couch for keys. Then I took her home and we sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock from a car and hit her on the tit. Broke three of my fingers. I was going to kiss her good night but she closed her legs and broke my glasses . Then her dad came out and told me to beat it. So I did. Then I left.

Reality check:
A couple of little girls were playing on the playground at kindergarten recently. One of them said, "let's play house. I'll be the wife and you be the ex-wife."

10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Can I paint a smiley face on it ?
3. Will it squeak if I squeeze it ?
4. This explains your car.
5. Why is God punishing me ?
6. At least this won't take long.
7. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes .
8. Is that an optical illusion ?
9. So this is why we're supposed to judge people on personality.
10. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Consolation prize:
A lawyer walks into his client's cell on death row. To the client, who was awaiting death by electrocution that very night, he said , "I have some good news and some bad news about my efforts on your behalf.
Which would you like first ?"
"The bad news."
"The bad news is that I couldn't get your execution stayed. Your going to fry tonight."
"Holy shit! What's the good news ?"
"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"

Fact or friction:
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made out of wood ?
A: His hand caught fire .

3 Things you never hear a Cajun say no matter how drunk he is:
1. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
2. That kind of fish ain't good for eating.
3. Checkmate.

Mistaken identity:
A drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only women there, he walked up to her, placed his hand up her shirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained "I'm sorry I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her".
"Why you drunken, stupid, worthless asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny", he muttered. "You even sound exactly like her."

Felonious assault:
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it buddy," he said. It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night you caught your wife in bed with another man?" The fellow ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing eye dog in the ass!"

Zingers:
It took me an hour to bury the cat. The little fucker wouldn't keep still.
Never get deeply in debt to someone who cried at the end of "Scarface".
She has the Midas Touch. Everything she touches turns into a muffler.
I saw the sequel to the movie "Clones", and you know what? It was the same fucking movie!
There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family".
If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

Watching over you…
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel, I'm watching over you" the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Medical condition?
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

A lesson in horsemanship…
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Question:
What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce? Either way you lose the trailer.

========from our Beacon Newspaper============

The light:
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
young man… It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Proud parents:
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted".

Communicating with Yankees:
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

Wagon accident:
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy,
"Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is yore paw?" "Under the wagon!"