Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.
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It was this month in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the country, half the mail was lost, and postal workers carried guns. So basically, nothing's changed.
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YOU DRIVE A PIECE OF SHIT IF:
1. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
2. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
3. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Shit."
4. You're afraid to turn off the key, ever.
5. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
6. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
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THINGS NOT TO SAY IN BED:
- I'm only doing this for the pay raise.
- This would be fun with a few more people.
- I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
- Oprah had a show about men like you!
- I've smoked fatter joints than that.
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won't take long.
- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
- I guess this makes me the early bird.
- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
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Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were debating what was the fastest thing in the world. Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a 'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already tought." Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a 'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already." Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before you knows it." T-Boy said, "Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea." Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?" T-Boy said, "Yea, lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I don shit ma pants."
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A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing he says, "Wow, nobody has ever paid me for my services before." The woman says, "Don't flatter yourself. Take this money and buy you some boots that fit!"
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A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen….
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Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Man to bartender: "I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends. Know what I mean, Dickhead?"
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Q: Name the most common pregnancy craving
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
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Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
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What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
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Captain Morgan had been away offshore for a few weeks and wanted to spend some time alone with his wife - but she happened to be babysitting the grandson. No matter what he tried, the Captain couldn't get the little boy to stay outside.
He finally resorted to bribery. The Captain instructed the boy to sit on the corner and watch for men in red hats. "For every man in a red hat you see, I'll give you a dollar" he said. The Captain then returned to the house to enjoy some privacy with his wife. After a short while the boy ran into the house and started banging on the bedroom door. "Hey Granpa," he yelled, "if you think you're getting screwed in there, you should look out the window. There's a Shriner's convention going past!"
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Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.
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Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.