Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split up the front,
but she didn't wear that one very often.
~     ~     ~
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready… Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready… Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready… Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!"
~     ~     ~
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."
~     ~     ~
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers' Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going well and maybe he would get lucky, so he asked her if she wanted to go in the backseat.
"NO!" yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.
"NO!" the blonde yelled again.
Things got hotter and she was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.
"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?"
"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you."
~     ~     ~
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
~     ~     ~
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"50 dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
~     ~     ~
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Fuck you, Gringo. I don't think you have the balls to shoot me!'"
~     ~     ~
Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon.
~     ~     ~
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10 where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance… Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far…"
~     ~     ~
Georgie Porgie pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.