When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with great big boobs.
~
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "Its only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
~
A man was walking down the street and spotted another man with a cat in his hands, so he walked up to him and asked him why he had the cat in his hands, to which the second man replied, "To tell time."
He, of course, didn't believe him and asked him to prove it. So, the second man squeezed the cat, it screeched and a guy across the street yelled, "Would you shut that fuckin' cat up? It's one o' clock in the morning!"
~
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
~
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."