The Wizard:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the *exact* words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Things men will never say:
~I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother fucker.
~Her tits are just too big.
~Sometimes I just want to be held.
~Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Desperate Housewives.

Last Words:
What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the
Teamsters?
"Don't do anything 'till I get back."

Honest mistake:
A Cajun died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was swampy and covered with scrubby looking pine trees. He remarked to the gatekeeper, "Hello dere Saint Peter. Say, dis place looks just like Loozyanner."
The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

Animal crackers:
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "Hey, I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

Hypothetically speaking….
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, It could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mom if she'd have sex with the
mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Countdown…
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine…"

You might need a new lawyer if:
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

more blonde jokes:
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone's taking their picture

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymph whose dad owns a bar.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.