In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant…" Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing President Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the President, "that's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

A building contractor hires a Cajun, a redneck, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Cajun is to shovel a pile of sand. The redneck has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Cajun and the redneck having a beer. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

For some reason, everyone always asks single bartenders the question "Why are you not married?" So, here are some good comebacks:
You haven't asked yet.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I already have enough laundry to do.
It would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
I'd have to forfeit my million dollar trust fund.
I can't support another person on my pay.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. This time he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, it was weally wousy."

WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus
A few beers short of a six-pack
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
All foam, no beer
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His belt doesn't go through all the loops

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes silence.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair.