One day in ancient Greece…
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and …"
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary …"
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.

The butler did it…
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jarvis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jarvis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jarvis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jarvis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jarvis silently obeyed. "Now, Jarvis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jarvis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jarvis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

Name your poison…
There were three girls and their boyfriends all had the same name. So they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she said, "I call my man 7-up." They asked her, "Why do you call your man that?" and she said, "Because he's seven inches long and is always up." They asked the second girl what she called her man. She said," I call my man Mountain Dew." They asked, "Why do you call your man that?" and she said, "Because he likes to Mount me and Do me." They asked the third girl the same thing and she said, "I call my man Jack Daniels." They looked at her puzzled and said, "Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor?" and she said, "Exactly."

A fairy tale…
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.

Sex therapy…
Two women had been having lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I had some sexual problems, but we went to a sex therapist and now things are better than ever" Linda told Sarah.
"Really?" Sarah said. "How did it work?"
"We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my hoo-ha, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his wiener with, I had to eat. Our sex life is better than ever!"
With that endorsement Sarah talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Sarah and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Sarah complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of cheerios…"