Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
“‘Only one calorie per can’,” she read aloud.
“Hmm,” murmured the other blonde.
“I wonder which glass has the calorie?”

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up asshole, you’re next!”

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
“So what’s the good news?” he asks.
The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”
The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
“Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was cool! Can you do that again?”
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, “For God’s sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.”

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man’s dog asked the second man’s dog what he’s there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, “Well, you see… I’ve been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I’m going to be put to sleep.” The second dog says, “Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn’t like it because my scent wasn’t anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.”
The third dog said, “This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!” The other dogs say, “so that’s why they are putting you to sleep?” No says the dog, “She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!”

The butler did it…
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jarvis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jarvis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jarvis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Jarvis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jarvis silently obeyed. “Now, Jarvis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jarvis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Jarvis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”

Name your poison…
There were three girls and their boyfriends all had the same name. So they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she said, “I call my man 7-up.” They asked her, “Why do you call your man that?” and she said, “Because he’s seven inches long and is always up.” They asked the second girl what she called her man. She said,” I call my man Mountain Dew.” They asked, “Why do you call your man that?” and she said, “Because he likes to Mount me and Do me.” They asked the third girl the same thing and she said, “I call my man Jack Daniels.” They looked at her puzzled and said, “Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor?” and she said, “Exactly.”

A fairy tale…
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t fucking think so.

Sex therapy…
Two women had been having lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I had some sexual problems, but we went to a sex therapist and now things are better than ever” Linda told Sarah.
“Really?” Sarah said. “How did it work?”
“We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my hoo-ha, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his wiener with, I had to eat. Our sex life is better than ever!”
With that endorsement Sarah talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Sarah and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.
“But doctor,” Sarah complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us any help at all?”
“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of cheerios…”

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a shortstop between second and third.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for over 40 years.”

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Man: All right then how about on the last date?

A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked ” Do you know what it is?” Johnny replied “No.” The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Johnny said “Noooo.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.
“JOHNNY, SPIT IT OUT……….IT’S A PIECE OF ASS!”

Two prostitutes were walking, when one said, “Girl, we gonna get PAID tonight. I can smell some dick in the air.” The other laughed and said “Bitch, I burped!”

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

The other day April and I took off to do a little window-shopping. I didn’t care that much for the merchandise in the windows, but every now and again, a female sales clerk would catch my eye.
April caught me at it. “You’re like a kid in a candy store!”
“Yeah, well, since I’m married to you, I’m like a kid with diabetes in a candy store.”

Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnny: Sure, out in back of the church yard.

Dave goes over to his best friend’s house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, Nora, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, do you mind if I wait?”
“No, come on in.” They both have a seat in the kitchen. “You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it’s for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, “Nora, your tits are so beautiful… I’ve gotta see the two of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both.”
Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another hundred bucks on the table.
Another ten minutes passes by… Dave can’t wait around any longer, so he leaves.
A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says “Your weird friend, Chris, came over this afternoon.”
Replies Tony, “Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?”

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
“First, you must wear a diaphragm.”
Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
“Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?”
“I can’t remember, exactly… Peter Peter, something or other…”

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FUCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS SHITHOLE… IT’S A WONDER THE GODDAM COCKROACHES DON’T CARRY US ALL THE FUCK TO KINGDOM COME BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DO A DAN THING BUT SIT AROUND TEXTING ON THOSE SILLY FUCKING PHONES….
I’m sorry… what did you ask me?