From Seabreeze News Aug 2009
A young woman in the sleazy part of the old Galveston Strand was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,”
she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe , and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Bolivar Ferry…”
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a shortstop between second and third.
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for over 40 years.”
What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.
